Efé's Thoughts in March

WOMEN CANNOT BE INDEPENDENT

I feel nowadays that if a woman does not want to be in the workforce, but instead stay at home tending to her kids and husband, she isn't seen as an independent woman by her female peers. But isn't it funny that sixty years ago the emergence of women working to financially support their household and having career aspirations that went beyond a stipend at the end of the month, was a total slap in the face for the men and an act of defiance and rebellion in society?

Money is seen as the universal sign of independence, and this brings to mind something I read that Beyonce said on the topic of feminism and gender equality about how men use money to “run the show”. Personally I think money is used to control. Period. It is what brings the division between the classes, the divide between the rich and poor, but I don't want to get too much into that or I'll digress.

But what would one say about Vivian Maier, fiercely strong in character, taking photos out of pure enjoyment that would later on inspire the masses is she no more an independent woman because she did not make money off her art whilst she was alive?

To make this discussion fair, I will start with my mother, who firmly believes in a woman not depending on a man for anything. My mother always says how a woman in a relationship must earn her own money because anything can happen at any given time in the relationship, supposedly say, the business collapses, or he's made redundant, or has a life-altering physical injury etc and all that would put a financial strain on the relationship if there was nothing to fall back on. To that, I agree with her.

A lot of the women in my family earn more than the men due to various circumstances which has made me motivated to be financially independent but that doesn't mean that I don't entertain my own delusions of one day having my prince charming come and save me from all my financial burdens and never having to worry about money again.

Recently I was on the phone to one of my close friends having a long discussion about relationships and guys in general, and something she said really stuck out to me. She told me that a guy she really liked had asked her to be his girlfriend but she didn't feel 'perfect' enough to be with him.

When I asked her what she meant by that, she said she didn't feel confident in her career, finances - in general she didn't think she was the type of girl a guy would love to show off to his friends and family and that really made me sad that my friend felt this way.

But it's an insecurity that I believe that not only my friend feels, but also many females out there including myself, in the pursuit of being the ideal 'independent' woman of the 21^st century.

But I ask, who's ever heard of the term independent man? You never hear about the independent man, because society just assumes that men are born independent and have no need of the opposite sex.

Why do we need to attach a seemingly 'positive' adjective to set us aside from other females? Why do we need to affirm that we are strong and independent before adding the word woman? Isn't just being a woman good enough?

And it's funny to me that so many romance novels include the cliché of the billionaire rich guy falling in love with the poor girl. Just like drunken words are sober thoughts, are the writers behind these type of stories trying to hide behind the guise of their characters to reveal their actual desires?

We also have to flip the pancake on the reader's side - they read it. And guess who the target audience is? Yes, females. And clichés are clichés because they're popular, and there wouldn't be so much of these type of storylines without the demand.

So do us females know what we want?

Are we ashamed to be dependent? I can admit that they way I've been brought up, I've always found it quite hard to ask for help.

The female energy dictates that we are natural receivers whereas males are givers, but when we do find ourselves on the receiving end – no pun intended – it becomes a battle between nature and nurture because the world we live in today makes us less accustomed to it. A recent study done by RAND showed that single mums represent ten percent of households in Europe and statistics of the USA for 2015 show that of the twelve million single parent households 80% are single mothers, meaning that more than ever females foot the bill at the end of the day.

Why the term trophy wife has a negative connotation I don't know, well I do know but we see now how a seemingly 'positive' noun phrase becomes pejorated. The truth is we are trophies. Of course we are, we have the earth's core vested in our souls.

We are the muse to the world's most revered artists – personally I think every woman is owed some royalties from their ex-lovers.

But still the question remains, what does it mean to be an independent woman in the 21^st century?

Is being a dependent woman wrong?

Is the fact that a woman just wants to be a stay at home wife wrong?

Is the fact that a woman desires to be successful in her career and also be a mother at the same time right?

And what would one say about sugar babies paying their way through school by earning their wages from men with disposable income to solicit sex or company - are they still independent?

Who is independent?

Personally I think women and men cannot be wholly independent, because that's just not the way God created us to be.

Because yes a woman can have all the money that the world has to offer but is she spiritually, mentally, emotionally and sexually independent?

Does she not need God to encourage growth in her faith and like-minded people to fellowship with, does she not need friends, and what about sex – God created it to be enjoyed between a man and a woman, no matter the release you can get from masturbating. No one can ever be sexually independent. It simply does not make sense.

So again I ask, what does it mean to be an independent woman?

Personally, I would not consider myself an independent woman, because first of all I don't know what that term means: Yes I pay for my own things, yes I'm intelligent, yes I mostly enjoy being alone most of the time. But I still want human interaction so all of a sudden I'm not independent?

If I decide to let a guy pay for my bills, that's my prerogative and if I so wish to pay for my own shit, that's my choice too. It does not make me weaker, it just means I'm secure in the decisions that I take as a human being.

Enjoyed reading this and want more? Click on the links below: 

• Efé's Thought for the Month: My Body is not a Canvas 
• Eféctive Guest Post by Mayen Writes: The Art Of Healing

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