I’m confused about all aspects of my life. For the last few weeks I have been trapped in fear and depression — and I still am, but I’m taking it a day at a time.
I’m currently at university, reluctantly, but that’s neither here or there. I have left the business since over three months ago and even though I semi-know what I want to do, which is to work in venture capital I’m still trying to iron out the details about the path I’m going to take to get there.
I have been applying for a lot of roles in VC firms but all I’ve been getting is rejection emails. The one that hit me the hardest is the one I got last week. It was a paid internship I applied for and I think the reason that it hit me the hardest is because I really thought I had a good chance of proceeding to the next step which would have been interviews.
I don’t know why, but I’ve never really been someone who gets nervous at interviews — even if I feel under-prepared. It’s probably not a good trait but I can’t remember a time when I have been nervous for an interview, I prefer interviews to job applications because I feel employers get a truer sense of who I am and they can genuinely see if I’d fit into their working environment and vice-versa.
I realise that getting a job in VC is not usually a walk in the park but it’s hugely frustrating when I want something so bad but I’m made to feel like I’m not good enough for that which I want. And that’s how I felt when I received the rejection email for the VC internship last week.
With my growing frustrations with other adulting-related issues over the last few weeks coming at an unceremonious climax, I started to remind myself of my godfather’s, James Altucher, mantra ‘Choose Yourself’. And obviously I’ve read his book and not just read it but absorbed it but it’s hard when you realise your human and you too want others to accept you just as you are. But I know - I need to start choosing myself.
It’s the hardest thing for someone like me who experiences depression that reaches 8 on the Richter scale to do, but I’m trying.
My two loves in this world is art and technology and what I am confused about is how to marry the two together. The reason why I am confused is because I want to use ‘The Efective Times’ as the platform to share the shit that stirs my soul but I feel like having both two things might cause confusion for readers.
I want ‘The Efective Times’ to be TechCrunch meets the Depression Forum of Reddit’. In other words I want to be able to express myself without boundaries. If on Monday I write an article about a start-up I’m excited about and then something happens to me on Monday night that makes me feel shitty and I want to write about it on Tuesday, then so be it.
But I don’t know if that will be too confusing for readers. But not only for readers but also for people who I respect who I would want to have their brain-picked for my publication. I don’t know if many people would want to associate themselves with such a platform.
My thing is, I’m looking for the closest thing to freedom on Earth, which I feel is only through me expressing myself as authentically as possible. I could just have to two platforms which I can express on the two subjects separately but that just doesn’t feel natural to what I want to do.
If I was an established somebody in a field I could fully take advantage of the Pratfall Effect which would only make readers feel closer to me for sharing my vulnerabilities but I feel like someone like me, no one would probably resonate with the publication.
And not just that, but what about if prospective employers read through my content and think, “Oh this bitch is mentally and emotionally unstable, how could she possibly be capable to source deals and demonstrate logical reasoning to know what start ups to invest in?”
So yeah. That’s where I’m at. I don’t know what to do. Even if I’m living under an illusion I still want to feel free.